By: Joe Ballway, YawkeyTalkies Staff Writer

Picking on the 3 “M”s: Time for Mark, Michael, and Marco to Put up or Shut up

Since I’d rather not explore the abyss of Boston’s embarrassing 4-1 loss to the Islanders last night–and since Dennis Wideman is just way too easy to pick on–I figured I’d analyze our most underachieving, high-profile offensive players not currently injured or named “David Krejci.”

At the quarter mark of the season, none of the following are on pace to crack the 40-point barrier. Viewed as key forwards heading into the campaign, all three will certainly need to pick it up over the last 3/4 of the season if the Bruins hope to overcome their dismal start. Along with pinpointing their struggles, I provided an appropriate “Bermanism” for each player (for you sports fans who grew up under a rock, those are nicknames punning off of the player’s last name):

Mark Recchi: He’s morphed into the second coming of Glen Murray during his final stages with the B’s–an old, tired, and frequently invisible spare part. While Recchi is a highly respected member of the NHL community and an extremely tough cookie–he played Game 7 within 24 hours of kidney stone removal last year, for Christ’s sake–one has to believe that he’s on his last legs. Mark “Train” Recchi is only appropriate as the former star barrels downhill into the twilight of his career. Mark “Tyrannosaurus” Recchi also received votes for the old-timer, as he appears to be better suited for the set of Jurassic Park than an NHL rink these days.

Michael Ryder: The enigmatic winger was just as ineffective at the beginning of last season as he is now, scoring just 3 goals in his first 22 games. The difference is that Ryder had the “fortune” of struggling while the rest of the B’s were gaining steam last November; this season, now that the losses are beginning to pile up a little, he can hardly fly under the radar. While he provides the occasional flash, he usually proceeds to disappear for shifts at a time–earning himself the nickname, Michael “Ghost” Ryder. After all, Bruins fans have recently received him about as well as movie critics received the Nicolas Cage flop back in 2007. Honorable mention Michael “Easy” Ryder also enjoys tokin’ it up with Peter Fonda before games, which may explain his sluggish skating on the forecheck.

Marco Sturm: Sturmy–normally dependable for 25 goals and 40-50 points over a full slate–deserves a bit of a break after coming back from a completely lost season. But, I can’t say I expected him to struggle this much. He went a month between goals, with his second goal of the season coming on October 8th, his third on November 7th. And, after scoring 25 combined goals on the man-advantage in his first three seasons in Boston, he still hasn’t scored on the power play this season. The bottom line is that Marco “Infertile” Sturm just seems unable to produce anything these days. Marco “The Perfect” Sturm also received votes because, much like George Clooney’s crew in the movie, he vanished long ago and still hasn’t returned. Then again, the same can be said for the rest of the Bruins at this point.

My quarter-season report will be coming in a few days. I’ll lead into it by saying this: there won’t be too many high marks.

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